We Need To Talk

So yeah, we need to talk about “Dance of the Vampires“, the play that is currently on Broadway starring Michael Crawford. Denis and I were able to get cheap tickets and decided to go. I have always wanted to see Michael Crawford sing live, and the play is about vampires, so – HELLO – of course I’m gonna see it. Ace and Ant’ny agreed to go as well, so we were looking forward to hanging out since we haven’t seen one another in a couple weeks.

We all have dinner at Virgil’s (where I ate WAY too much food) and then made our way over to the theater. We had great seats (Row L) and I made sure to lower my expectations about the musical since it hasn’t gotten the best of reviews around town. I figure at $26 a ticket, I probably won’t be disappointed.

Boy was I wrong. People, that play sucked – and I’m not being coy about using “sucked” in relation to a musical about vampires. The songs were horrible, Michael Crawford was completely miscast, and the show was BORING BORING BORING. Sure, there were a couple funny lines, but not enough to warrant spending $26 when I could have stayed home and watched America’s Funniest Home Videos for free.

At the intermission I fully expected Denis, Ace and Anthony all to turn to me and say, “You forced me to see this crap?” but imagine my surprise when I was the ONLY one to voice a negative opinion about the play! THEY WERE ALL ENJOYING IT. I turned to Denis as soon as the lights came on and said, “Remember how I felt at the intermission of ‘Miss Saigon’?” “Yes,” he said. “I’m feeling the same way right about now!” (meaning I wanted to leave. Miss Saigon sucked, too.)

I almost fell out of my chair when Denis said, “Well, I like it.” WHAT? I turned to Ant’ny, positive that he would be on my side. “What do you think?” He laughed and said something like, “Not bad – it’s funny.” WHAT?! My last hope is Ace. “What about you?” “Well other than ruining my favorite song (“Total Eclipse of the Heart”), it’s pretty good – I love the dance numbers and the sets.”

I’m utterly defeated. And I guess I’m also not going home like I hoped. So I’m forced to sit through the second half (which is miraculously more dreadful than the first half). The play (finally) ends, and as we’re all walking to Port Authority, Ace talks about his favorite parts. My response? “My favorite parts were the intermission and the part where the houselights came up after the show ended.”

I got a laugh from Ace.

See, that’s comedy, people. “Dance of the Vampires” wasn’t.