Puke, Puke, Everywhere

Yesterday Denis decided to treat Cooper the Dog to some canned dog food. The dog positively inhaled the food. I think you already know where this post is going, so feel free to move on if you don’t want to read it.

Later in the day, Denis attempted to make a cheesecake for his office – someone was celebrating a birthday today. However, it didn’t quite work out and he had to run out to Costco to pick up something to take in this morning.

I had about 5 weeks of coupons to clip, so I sat at the dinner table and was painstaking clipping out hundreds of coupons. Denis left for Costco, and I had the kids start picking up their toys in the tv room. A couple minutes later I heard it. The telltale sound of a dog puking.

“COOPER!” I screamed, hoping to scare him into stopping.

Too late. Under the coffee table he hid, with two HUGE piles of vomit sitting in front of him. People, he hadn’t even CHEWED the dog food. He must have literally done dog food shots because there were whole chunks of the dog food on my tv room carpet. I told the kids to stay away, and escorted Cooper outside just in time for vomit #3 (which – and seriously – if you have a sensitive stomach – do NOT read the rest of this sentence – he promptly ate).

I had NO IDEA how I was gonna clean up the puke. The piles were SO large that I knew paper towels wouldn’t cut it. I was panicked. Suddenly, I knew what I could use. The dustpan!! I grabbed the dustpan and a handful of towels and managed to get the first pile on the pan with only 2-3 kneejerk almost-vomits coming from me. My eyes watered in an attempt not to hurl as I wiped the puke from the dustpan into the trashcan. I said to the kids, “I’m sorry if I throw up – I’m trying not to!” I then came back and picked up the second pile (this was when I did literally throw up in my mouth a little bit) and tried to think of rainbows and Christmas presents and reaching my goal of being a size 10 in an effort to get the dog puke into the trashcan without hurling on top of it.

Then I took the dustpan to the sink and cleaned it, all the while resisting the urge to run upstairsto my shower and pour an entire bottle of Clorox all over my body – chemical burns be damned. I then pulled out our handy dandy steam cleaner and ran it over the carpet so many times there are permanent tracks from the wheel treads.

I let Cooper the Dog hang out outside for about 45 minutes to ensure he wouldn’t puke anymore, and then let him in. When Denis got home I told him what happened and he looked at Cooper and said something to the effect of (this is not an exact quote but you get the point (this quote clarification is for Denis who always likes to correct my quotes because they are never exact quotes)), “You see – this is why you are the last dog that will ever live in the Cootie household.”

Side note: The trashcan in the basement of our building ALSO smells like puke today. So that was a pleasure to experience this morning coming in to work.