On Parental Favoritism

THIS IS A LONG POST – YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!

Last night Denis disciplined CootieBoy. CootieBoy got (rightfully, IMO) upset because the discipline was a little more than needed for the particular offending act. Before you envision abuse, let me tell you what happened – CootieBoy kept turning on the dishwasher by pressing the buttons on the front panel. Denis turned off the light switch that controls the power to the dishwasher and then lightly tapped CootieBoy on the top of his head and told him to stop. It was a mild tap, but it still upset CootieBoy, who collapsed into melodramatic tears and fell to the floor in anguish. I thought the tap was unneccessary when a simple “CootieBoy, don’t press the buttons,” would have sufficed, so I got up from my chair and comforted CootieBoy, explaining to him why Daddy had tapped him and that he shouldn’t press the buttons. I gave him a hug, had Denis and CootieBoy hug it out, and we moved on.

But then during dinner Denis and I got into a brief discussion on parental favoritism. He claimed that I had a favorite and that it was obvious (CootieBoy), and I countered that HE had a favorite which was equally obvious (CootieGirl). We quickly ended the conversation after a few minutes because it would have easily moved into a straight out argument in front of the kids. But I did mention during our conversation that at my last book club meeting (somehow I didn’t do a writeup of that book here on Cootiehog, but it was “Snow Flower and the Secret Fan”) we discussed favoritism of children. At book club we determined that Moms are more strict with their daughters, whereas Dads are more strict with their sons. And it makes sense. How about all those Dads who coach their sons in sports and demand their kid be the BEST on the whole team? Or the Pageant Moms who drive their daughters from pageant to pagent in the hopes of glory? Those are extreme examples, but legitimate nonetheless.

How does that translate to the Cootie family?
Do I love CootieGirl less because I have a good time playing with CootieBoy?
Does Denis love CootieBoy less because he enjoys daddy/daughter time with CootieGirl?

The answer is a resounding no. I love my little princess and tell her as much every day. I hug her and kiss her and affirm her and she knows I love her. I do the exact same with CootieBoy. But I DO admit that I expect more from CootieGirl. But is it because she is a year older than CootieBoy (developmentally you can’t refute that 3 years old is a LOT more different than 4 years old)? Is it because she has proved herself to be incredibly smart for her age? Is it because she’s a girl? Who knows the reason why I expect more from her, but it’s the truth, and I freely admit it. I punish both kids when necessary but do tend to grow impatient with CootieGirl more quickly – again, because I expect more of her.

At book club we determined that part of the reason why moms are tougher on daughters is because since WE are females, we want to ensure that the daughters in our lives don’t 1) make our mistakes 2) presume a man will do everything for them and 3) assume the parents will always take care of them. Those may not have been the reasons 50 years ago, but in 2007 those might be some of the top reasons why moms are hard on their daughters.

Denis, on the other hand, despite his continual denials last night, clearly favors CootieGirl (although I stress that he loves them equally). If he’s going out to run errands, he only ever takes CootieGirl with him, claiming that CootieBoy throws tantrums or misbehaves. That may have been the case six months ago, but he has pretty much stopped with his tantrums now and is getting into a fun stage again and I never have a problem when I take CootieBoy out with me somewhere. But Denis wouldn’t know that since he never takes CootieBoy with him if he can help it. He gets impatient with CootieBoy more frequently and more easily than he does with CootieGirl.

So I went online this morning and started looking for articles on parental favoritism. There are a lot out there.

One article says:

Does gender play a role in whether or not a parent favors one child over another? “Mothers and sons bond and girls tend to bond with their fathers,” says Dr. Gross. “Vulnerability is a key factor, as dads are more vulnerable to their daughters and mothers to their sons.”

It’s a valid point. And I can see any possible favoritism I have changing as the kids get older. After all, I don’t see a girly 10-yr-old CootieGirl wanting to go to baseball games and keeping stats on who has the most homeruns in the season. I see a 10-yr-old CootieGirl wanting to be in dance recitals or gymnastics. I don’t see an outgoing 10-yr-old CootieBoy wanting to go to ice skating shows or tea parties. … Okay, well actually I do. *lol* But I also see him getting heavily into a sport like karate, football or wrestling because he’s a very physical kid. So in six years it may be me bonding with CootieGirl over her latest dance move, and Denis bonding with CootieBoy over that touchdown he scored or the roundhouse kick he perfected.

My point is that while I may gravitate towards one child in particular, that doesn’t make me a bad mom. Anymore than it makes Denis a bad dad. It just means that RIGHT NOW, IN THIS TIME, I get along better with CootieBoy than I do with CootieGirl. But in a year that could change. And again the year after that. And so on for the rest of our lives.

The article I quoted above also says:

What’s a parent to do? The first thing O’Donnell recommends is for parents to understand they are not necessarily favoring one child over another because of who the child is, but rather that “you are favoring a child’s activities or interests, based on your own likes and dislikes.”

Second, O’Donnell tells parents, “Remember that the less-favored child loves you and looks to you as the most important person on earth for validation, attention, love and self-esteem.”

I couldn’t agree more (although I disagree with the use of the term “less-favored”), and that’s sort of what I told Denis last night. I always make sure that regardless of what’s going on CootieGirl and CootieBoy know that they are loved, valued, beautiful and smart. Every single day at some point in the day I tell them at least one of those four things. When CootieGirl gets dressed in the morning without complaint I tell her I appreciate her helpfulness to get us out of the house on time. When she does something particularly cute and/or funny, I’ll tell her as much. When she shows me her drawings or writes her name correctly I take notice and praise her. And the same for CootieBoy if he says the alphabet in the right order, or puts away his toys, or gets a good report from daycare. So any possible favoritism that I’m showing towards CootieBoy is not overshadowing my unconditional love for CootieGirl.

Another website has this particularly sad quote (bold is mine):

“I know one way to kill a child’s spirit is to tell him he is worse than his siblings,” said Irene, a stay-home mum to two boys, who till today regrets comparing her youngest son with his older brother. “I tend to favor my older son because he is smarter and more obedient. So, I criticise the younger one for not being so smart and obedient. I know I shouldn’t do it, but don’t seem to be able to snap out of it. We are now seeking help and I do so much want my son to know that I love him.”

How sad that even in this quote she is doing the exact behavior she’s trying not to do? That’s one thing that I know I don’t do. I have NEVER told either of the kids that they are inferior in any way to their sibling. I never criticize my kids. I do lecture them (“don’t hit your sister just because she doesn’t want to play with you,” or “don’t push your brother just because he’s in your way”) but I have never said something like, “Why can’t you be more like _______ and do it the right way?” or “You’re being stupid,” which I think is very harmful.

I don’t know how to end this post, really. It’s a lot to process and I’m sure we can get into some interest debate on the topic. I’ll be curious to see how CootieGirl and CootieBoy’s personalities continue to form according to how Denis and I treat them. There is Nature (CootieGirl’s girliness, CootieBoy’s physicality) and Nurture (dealing with CootieGirl’s tendency to whine and dealing with CootieBoy’s aggression). Both obviously have a POWERFUL impact on our kids, and I’m hoping that we’re striking the right balance between the two.