Due to the ongoing Kavanaugh/Blasey Ford hearings dividing the country’s national conversation so completely, I felt it important to talk with my own kids this week about the implications behind the accusations and how they should affect their own outlook and actions in life. I didn’t even talk to them about it from a spiritual perspective because they know my thoughts on that – this was just purely “be smart, act smart.”
My initial conversation was with CootieGirl a couple of nights ago while CootieBoy was out at taekwondo and Denis was at the gym. We were watching TV and something someone said on the TV show made me ask her to pause the TV. I asked her if she had heard much about the Kavanaugh/Blasey Ford situation, and she said she only knew a little bit. I gave her a very basic rundown (he said/she said alleged sexual assault that took place ~30 years ago while both were in high school). I told her that MY stance on the whole thing is that it is not for me to figure out who did what and with whom, because there is no way that I can know. I was not there, I do not know either person, and because 1) memories can be faulty (both his and hers), 2) people are known to lie for their own benefit (both he and she), and 3) there’s his side, her side and somewhere in the murky middle lies the absolute truth). As such, I don’t say Ms. Blasey Ford is lying, and I don’t say Mr. Kavanaugh is lying. Do I think he should be confirmed? At this point no, because any Supreme Court decision he hands down as a Justice will be met with derision and distrust of intent in the Court of Public Opinion.
After that basic framework of the situation, and my stance on it, I told her that the main reason I wanted to talk to her was regarding her SAFETY and her REPUTATION. I mentioned that my wish for her is that if she finds herself in any situation in which she feels UNSAFE, that she would call me to pick her up, or grab her friends and leave.  I told her that no matter what, if she was out somewhere without a car/ride and needed me to come get her to remove her from a weird, uncomfortable situation, I would get in my car immediately and come get her, no questions asked. I told her that in order to remain in control in any given situation, it would be best to stay away from alcohol and drugs, lest someone take advantage of her when her ability to provide adequate consent or denial may be impinged. I told her to try to avoid being alone in a room with anyone (male or female) that makes her feel uncomfortable, and to never feel like she shouldn’t keep a close, trusted friend at her side at all times in those situations.
I also added that if she does her utmost to keep herself away from those situations, she will also ensure that her reputation does not suffer. Some of the words I’ve read being applied to Ms. Blasey Ford on social media are appalling. They are words I’d never want used about my daughter (or me). Having said that, actions and decisions one makes do matter. Wrong or right, in today’s world if you want to avoid being called a drunk slut (or some other insult) in the aforementioned Court of Public Opinion (which is the only “court” that counts in today’s social media environment), it’s best to stay sober and do your best to avoid being coerced into unwanted (or only-half-wanted-I’m-not-really-sure) activities after which someone can spread rumors about your sexual activity (true or false). Sadly, that’s the culture in which we live.
It was clear she understood what I was talking about, and that she agreed with my assessment. She also assured me that her circle of friends would never go to “those kinds” of parties and that they tend to stick to themselves and are not in the social circles of the kinds of kids who might go to parties.
“But you know, CG, who you are now as a 15 year old is not who you’ll be at 17 years old. You can’t say that you’ll never want to go to a school party where there is alcohol, because you may go to a party thinking it’s going to be a few friends you know, and find it’s completely different once you get there. If that’s the case, I would hope that you would make the right decision to not drink, and that you’d call or text me to come get you if you feel unsafe. No judgment, no lectures. I’ll just come get you, and your friends if they want to leave, and that will be that.”
She agreed and I assured her I’d be having a similar conversation with CootieBoy.
About an hour later, I had the conversation with CB, except with a viewpoint from the other side. To paraphrase, I asked what he knew about Kavanaugh/Blasey Ford (his answer: nothing – apparently 9th grade boys in his sphere of influence are not talking about anything other than video games).
“CB, my hope is that you will treat women with respect and not place them into any situation where they may feel uncomfortable or threatened. My request is that you not allow yourself to be alone in a room with a girl – not only to keep her reputation intact but also to ensure that your own reputation remains intact and that no one can attempt to ruin your credibility due to “no witnesses” on the off-chance the girl decides to make an unfair accusation against you. As you get older, if you go to parties, stay sober so you don’t do dumb things, or reckless things, or harmful things. Stay sober so that you can be a protector if you see someone unable to advocate for himself or herself and keep them from being threatened or harmed against their will. Act in a way that, 30 years from now, someone cannot ruin your career because of something you might have done in your youth (or even witnessed and not stopped). Every action matters.”
I then told him the same thing I told CG: if you are out and about and feel unsafe, or that things are making you uncomfortable, just text or call me and I will come, no questions asked. He said the same thing as CG – he doubted that he’d EVER be at such an event – and I told him that regardless, my offer stands.
It was a good discussion with both of them and went on much longer than I’m describing here. My prayer is that they heed my words, and that as they continue to get older they’ll make good choices in a world in which one bad decision can potentially ruin a life forever.
