Five Minutes, Tops, Is All I Saw Him

So we just got back from visiting Granddad at the hospital. It was tougher than I thought it would be. First they wouldn’t let CootieGirl in the room since he’s still in ICU, so we had to go outside and walk up to his window and wave and gesture from out there. I’m happy that he got to see her, but it wasn’t what I wanted – I want her to actually SEE him – touch him, give him a kiss, let him see her sweet nature.

Then I went in for a few minutes with Jen. It’s tough seeing someone you always considered to be strong when they are weak. He was definitely tired, but also very weak. He teared up at some point and said, “You never think that it’s going to come to this – seeing you in a situation like this.” That broke me up, but I kept it together for a few minutes more until he got tired. I think I was in there for about five minutes tops.

He told us he wanted to rest, and we walked out to the waiting room. I started crying – which I never do – because it was just so sad and weird and terrible all at the same time. I got myself together and went back into the waiting room where my step grandmother was keeping company with Marmie, CootieGirl and Uncle Beau. When I saw CootieGirl playing on the floor I kind of lost it again for a second, but I think I hid it pretty well although CootieGirl watched me closely for a split second before going back to the toy she was playing with.

Uncle Bill showed up a few minutes later, then Virginia (my step grandmother) went home to rest, so Jen, Beau and I headed to the dining room to grab some lunch and chill out for a bit. Mom and Uncle Bill followed about 30 minutes later. I told Mom that I wouldn’t be able to go back and see Granddad again – I wouldn’t be able to take it, so CootieGirl and I hopped in the car and came back to the house.

You know, I don’t think I’ll be visiting anyone’s near-deathbed again unless it’s absolutely necessary. It’s just too much to take.